Keep Off Grass

My daily assignment (which was due like 3 days ago) was to come up with a list. This took me forever for two reasons 1) Like I have hours to just sit down and write, are you frickin kidding me this stuff takes time 2) I had a lot of shit to say this time. The more I wrote the crabbier I got and the longer the list got. FYI you should read the things I didn’t write. Good God I think I feel a book coming on!
Enjoy!

“Oh, it must be nice to be able to stay at home with your children. I wish I had that option.”

I’m really, really, tired of this comment. It comes at me from all angles. Every time I meet someone who works outside the home. I feel I should only go out in public with a bodyguard. Not for me, but for the women who direct this stupid, asinine comment my way. My teeth are starting to wear thin because every time I hear that I have to clench my mouth closed as hard as possible so I don’t rip out my hair while screaming
“Are you F-ING kidding me?”
Through other’s blogs I’m learning that being a SAHM isn’t always a choice. There are so many struggles and heartaches along the way and some of us do it because we feel it is the best decision for our families, while others do it because it is our only option. This is the single hardest job I’ve ever had and I realize more than ever that if I don’t take time to laugh along the way I will miss out on all the great things being a SAHM offers. So here is my So You Think the Grass Is Greener? list.


10 Ways Your Life Will Change When You Become A SAHM

1. Smell –Baby vomit will become your new perfume. The highly evolved breed of baby can distinctly sense when you’ve donned a freshly laundered piece of clothing. Their innate sense of territorialism will cause their stomach acids to churn causing them to spit up on you thus covering you in their personal scent, marking you as theirs. And because you no longer leave the house, you can’t tell just how bad you stink!
2. Hair - A ponytail will be perfect for all occasions, not because the look is ever so attractive but because your 4 month old will rip your hair out if it’s in fist’s reach if you leave it down, it takes all of two minutes to do, and it is great for covering up the fact that you haven’t showered in two days.
3. Lunch – It’s no longer a matter of where to eat but only what to eat. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich or chicken nuggets, again, for the forth time this week, or wait until the kid’s go to bed and eat half a sleeve of Girl Scout Thin Mints that you’ve hidden in the freezer.
4. World Knowledge – CNN is replaces with Playhouse Disney, Sprout trumps the morning news. You don’t know who replaced Ed Kennedy in the Senate (and you only kind of know why it should matter to you) but you do know who replaced Kevin on the Sunny Side Up Show.
5. Communication –You no longer have any ties to anyone living outside of Mommyville. You have learned a new language that only other Babyvillers speak. It’s in sleep schedules, breast pumps, developmental stages, and diaper choices. And while you may think that everyone on the outside world is listening, and they may be, but they don’t care. They only smile and nod at you all while wondering what ever happen to that girl who used to argue the flaws of the criminal justice system or knew the bouncer at the club who would always let you in for free who now goes on and on about their child cutting their first tooth and not sleeping for four nights because of it, or how much it sucks that their little one has learned to crawl, or how they had to learn the hard way that their child doesn’t digest apple juice.
6. Clothes – You will no longer pick out your outfit the night before taking the time to assemble your ensemble, debate between earrings, deciding on which shoes to wear. You will stay in your pajamas until your husband calls and says he’s on his way home at which point you will run upstairs, kids in tow, to dress as fast as possible to pretend that you haven’t been in your comfy penguin pajama pants and a shirt that’s been spit up on twenty times that day.
7. Friends – You know that friend that you slightly pitied because while you had a fabulous husband, and great job, a nice house, and a baby on the way she still lived in her tiny downtown studio apartment, dated so many guys you had to come of with new ways to remember their names (Sam the sexpot and Alex with the killer abs) yet took trips alone to “find herself,” who could go out every night of the week and still wake up in time to make it to her job that she half –assed her way through and then decided to quit in order to go to grad school because she still didn’t know what she “wanted to be.” Yeah her. You will secretly hate with every fiber of your being. She is still fun and wonderful but she represents a world you can never go back to. Sure you can try to visit but it will only make you feel so un-fabulous and ultimately guilty for wanting her life instead of your own
8. Shopping – Gone are the days of aimless mall shopping and the thrill of stumbling upon the Coach handbag that you couldn’t find last season or those sexy pair of kitten heels that would be killer with your new Gap skinny jeans, or the new line of eye shadow at Clinque. Milk, Bread, Cereal, Cheese, Diapers, Bedtime Bath, Wipes…stick to the list.
9. Sleep – All children under the age of six have this tiny sensor inside their brains that alerts them the moment their mother begins to drift off to sleep. It’s like a tiny alarm that makes them instantly hungry, afraid of the dark, have to go to the bathroom, thirsty, or just not tired. And because your husband has to “work” in the morning, it’s your job to comfort the upset child. Your sleep schedule is no longer measured in cumulative sleep but in broken sleep throughout the day. Falling back asleep while nursing your infant, catching a quick 5 minute nap on the couch while Barney is on, or laying down for 7 ½ minutes after your husband comes home while the pasta boils. Take what you can get!
10. Your Children – Your 2 year old will loose all social skills she had previously discovered at daycare. She will go up to random adult strangers and have in depth conversations with them and reveal overly personal information about you. Like how she is “going to the doctor’s tomorrow to get shots but not an epidural like mommy had” (yup that actually happened to me) or “Mommy had two martinis today” (yup that one too!). Your poor 2 year old will have the verbal capacity of a 3 ½ year old because you have no one else to talk to all day!

Stick to your own grass, mine is COVERED in poop.