Since I'm horrible at making my life appear glamorous in any sense of the word I've decided to start on blogging assignments. Thank you MamaKat!
So for this weeks assignment I'm pretending that I have time to be bored. As a child I remember complaining to my dad that I was bored to which he responded "You can only be bored if you're not smart enough to find something to do or too lazy to go and do it. So which are you? Stupid or lazy?"
3.) Write a list of 10 things that can be done to stave off boredom.
1) Go to my Happy Place – A white sandy beach with softly breaking waves and a hot sun high in the noonday sky where beautiful exotic men rub my feet, bring me perfect pomegranate martinis, fan me with giant palm leaves, and in his slow, sensual dripping Spanish accent Enrique Iglesias asks “Would you like another drink, my love?”
2) Look around my house and think of things I could sell. Old books I’ll never read again, the hundreds of scrap-booking trinkets I’ll probably never use, the cat who for some God awful reason decides that the quickest way off the bed in the middle of the night is over my head, the kid’s toys they don’t play with, the clothes they don’t wear, the kids themselves.
3) Stalk people on facebook – Yup I admit it, I’m a stalker but my lawyer and probation officer suggest that I not go into details about it at this time.
4) Pull out all the scrapbooking crap and sit down to get one page done, sit and stare at it for twenty minutes, get it all perfect in my mind, start on said page, hear the baby start to scream her pretty little head off and get her up, try for the next 45 minutes to put every thing away as the toddler picks every pieces of scrapbooking crap that I’ve pulled out and ask “What’s this Mommy? What’s this Mommy? What’s this Mommy?,” then chase aforementioned toddler who is now holding all the pictures I selected in her chubby little peanut butter coated hands around the room while hold hungry, screaming baby.
5) Dream about winning the lottery – Nuf said.
6) Search monster.com for a job other that SAHM- yuck! For some odd reason I can’t seem to find any employers out there who wants to hire a desperate for adult interaction, slowly going insane mother of two with very little work experience, and who is willing to pay at least $40,000 a year. Ummmm, Hello?!? I’d be so thankful for anything that gets me out of this house that I would be the best damn work-whore they’d ever seen.
7) Eat random crap –Ritz crackers and cream cheese, pineapple slices drizzled with Arby’s Sauce, raisins rolled into a ball and coated in peanut butter, cornflakes with melted butter, Saltines shmeared with Smucker’s grape jelly, ham slices wrapped in lettuce leaves dipped in ketchup – I know it’s all very weird, so you can stop making that face.
8) Blog. It’s my latest justification for spending $30,000 for my unused 4 year degree in Creative Writing which all my professors assured me that I would have no problem getting a high paying career with. Lying bastards
9) Take pictures of normal things in a dark and twisted manner. My latest highly inappropriate yet hilarious photo shoot: Martini glasses and breast pump attachments. After staring off into space, trying to turn off my brain (see below for details) my eyes fell upon my breast pump and I got to thinking how much the utter suckers look a hell of a lot like martini glasses. I already know I have issues but you try looking at a breast pump and not think about a cow.
10) Stare off into space and turn my brain off. I like to close my eyes and try as hard as humanly possible with two children demanding something every fricking 10 seconds to just turn off my brain. As easy as this sounds, you try not thinking about anything for thirty seconds while your toddler is giggling from behind the locked bathroom door as you hear the distinctive whoomp-whooomp-whoooomp of toilet paper being unwound followed by shrilly laugh and ominous gurgling sound coming from the toilet as it desperately tries to consume an entire roll of toilet paper. It’s like yoga for the mind!
Seriously – with my life – who has time to stay bored!